Fire Coach Spoelstra!!

Keep the Heat Hot!

You Could Say the Heat is On

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Dear Pat Riley,

Your quibbling about the full extent of our deal is starting to irritate me. Yes, I agreed to make sure that you’d have Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh together on the same team. It took a great deal of wrangling and personal appearances to make that work and you certainly can’t argue that I didn’t come through on that part of the deal. After all, I may be Satan, but I always deliver on the letter of my contracts.

However, despite your incessant emails, texts, and calls, I never once guaranteed that the Miami Heat would actually win any more games, much less a championship, as a result! That’s an entirely different deal altogether that will require many more souls than yours. Perhaps if you threw the coaching staff into the bargain, I might be able to make it work. However, it is not a part of our pre-existing arrangement and further stating that it is, especially in terms and with a frequency that would put the clingiest ex-girlfriend to shame, is just going to further raise my wrath. Here’s a hint, Pat; the last time I got really angry, it was last year and it was at the New Jersey Nets.

It’s nothing personal, Pat; I just don’t think you understand the true price of a championship. For example, I own Phil Jackson’s soul through his next 22 reincarnations (I enjoy dealing with Buddhists for just this reason.) But even Jackson needed help to get Jordan back in the league; I got the souls of his whole staff to make that happen; even my powers weren’t enough to make Scottie Pippen effective without MJ. What I’m saying is that championships are expensive; to put it in your terms, take your suit collection and multiply that by a factor of about 200 and you’re about halfway there.

I hope you can start to understand the extent of a commitment necessary in order to win a championship. I know you’ve personally done it without my help before, but you had players back then who were willing to sacrifice more than blood, sweat and tears, if you know what I’m saying. Besides, especially in today’s NBA, it’s harder to win a title without some help from your friends on the other side. The last team to win without my assistance at all was the 1979 Seattle SuperSonics. I think we know how that ended up turning out, don’t we, Pat?

As happy as I am to see you finally in my majestic service, I’m afraid I can’t do much more for you without a greater commitment. Spoelstra seems as if he might be ripe for the picking, so you might want to discuss a bargain with him. That, or you can ask him if he wants to “spend more time with his family;” I know it’s worked for you before. Please let me know, Pat; it’d be a pleasure to keep on doing business with you.

Infernally Yours,

Lucifer, the Man Goat


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